Tell Him That He Is Dying

A friend is helping an older neighbor and his wife in the aftermath of multiple massive heart attacks and the congestive heart failure that has led to them.  They have few resources, both financial and social/emotional.  And when the doctors told the wife and her son that her husband had about 30 days left to live, they decided that he shouldn’t be told that – it might make him worry.

What?

WHAT?

The thing I found the absolute hardest while working at Hospice was confronting people – both families and professionals – who believe that not sharing a patient’s medical information with them, including the fact that they are dying, was a good idea.  Number one – it’s dishonest.  Number two – it’s not their information to make that decision about (we’ll get to that some more in a minute).  Number three (and trust me, I really could go on and on) – it just emotionally hogties the family and keeps anything healthy re: grief from happening.

AUGH!!!!!!

Are there patients who emotionally are unlikely to be able to handle it?  Yes – but they’re a small population.  Children.  Mentally-retarded or mentally-ill folks.  A functioning adult who held a job and paid their bills is entitled to know.  They have EARNED THE RIGHT to hear their own state of health.

He’ll worry?  More than he’ll worry when no matter what steps are taken his condition doesn’t improve?  More than he’ll worry when no one seems to be talking about when he gets better?  Or even stabilizes?  Have I already said AUGH!!!!!?

A very wise woman that I know said: If you’ve lived a good life, then you deserve a good death.  If you’ve lived a bad life, then you deserve a good death. (Jane, I hope you don’t mind if I quote you.)  How does one have a good death when no one will take the steps, including an open discussion, to see that happen?  How do you ensure that he is comfortable and at peace when you won’t acknowledge that is the goal of treatment versus the goal of “getting better”?

By not telling him they have denied him the opportunity to make peace.  With family members.  With God.  And with the idea that he is dying.

How is that showing love?

If you want to show love, have a conversation WAY before this time comes.  Are you 40?  60?  23?  Talk to parents, children, siblings and friends and tell them how you want things handled.  Educate yourself about Hospice (the most incredible under-utilized service on the planet), about end-of-life decisions and what your options are.  And then, like magic, everyone is on the same page – and no one has to worry about whether or not that’s what he wants – you’ll know.  What a gift of peace for your family.

I usually don’t write when I’m fired up – but this particular topic hits that nerve every time.  And I’m going to keep shouting until we all can sit down and have a conversation like that with people we love.