Yes, He Is Too Young to Die

My daughter and her 7th grade classmates lost one of their own yesterday.  This time last year, a friend in the band was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  Late yesterday afternoon, Josh’s time with them (and his family) here ended.

My daughter’s immediate response was, “I”m shocked.”  And that was how she acted – stunned, quiet, nothing dramatic.  Although she didn’t have much to say, she seemed to want to stay close.  And she went to bed early.

Is that what I should expect?  Shouldn’t she have cried?  Been unable to sleep?  Eat?  Where’s the drama?  She’s a teenage girl – drama is supposed to come pre-programmed with that model, right?

Maybe.  Maybe not.

The grief process is as individual as the people going through it.  So how do you know if they’re grieving is healthy or not?  Listen to them, they’ll tell you, in their very own way.  How to get that started?  Here are a few general statements that may help a tween/teen express what they’re experiencing when they lose someone they care about.

First, remember that everyone grieves differently.  Some by becoming louder, some quieter, some withdraw, some reach out, some eat, some quit eating, some sleep, some can’t sleep – and the list goes on and on.  None of it is wrong.  Give your son/daughter room to choose their own path with this.  It’s not important that you tell them how to grieve, because quite frankly you can’t feel emotions for someone else.  But, you can help them express those emotions and grieve in as healthy a way as possible.

Second, remember that since it is someone in your child’s life who has died, you’re probably grieving, in some way, too.  I don’t know my daughter’s friend or his family – but my heart just broke for those parents.  Oh my gosh, as a parent you do everything you can think of to keep them safe and protected.  To be placed in the position of walking with them down a path you cannot protect them on – or avoid the final end – just turns my stomach.  In my mind, it’s the equivalent of being forced to drop her off in a high crime area, dressed like a hooker and then watch what happens on video.  It makes me sick to even come up with the example.

While I’m horrified for the family – and worried about my daughter and her classmates, I cannot assume she feels exactly the same or that we even have remotely the same perspective on his death.  She may have been scared to be shown in such an in-your-face kind of way that people her age can die.  I’m very scared to be reminded of that – but I was reminded, not shown for the first time.  That means I have to do 2 things – not confuse my grief from earlier losses with what she is or isn’t feeling.  Second, I can’t assume that even what I knew then applies to her situation now.

I was 13 when I saw my first PG movie (“Grease” – for another friend’s 13th birthday party) – Disney animated flicks are PG now.  I can’t even fathom how my perspective of death and the other side would have changed had I been seeing Harry Potter and Twilight and all the other here-and-back movies and books she’s digested in the last few years.

That means I have to use my ears.  Not my mouth, my ears.  Ask questions – then shut up and let her tell me what she sees and feels.

For helpful, unscary questions, I’d recommend some of the following for starters:

• What were kids saying today at school?
• What did the teachers/staff say?
• Did anyone’s response/behavior surprise you?  Why?

Another aspect to consider is whether or not to attend the funeral or visitation.  In nearly every situation, I’d recommend allowing your son/daughter to make that decision, with one strong exception.  If this was a close friend/family member who passed, and your son/daughter says they’re not going – it’s too creepy, it’ll be too sad, I don’t want to hear everybody crying, etc. – I believe you have to take a parent-stand and tell them you’ll help them however they need, but that it is important that they go.  That this is how we grieve in this society – that it is important for his/her family to see them there and for them to participate in honoring their loved one.

Don’t tell them that “it won’t be bad” or “everybody will be fine – you’ll see”.  That tells them that you don’t take their fears seriously – and that won’t help.  Problem-solve with them as to what you will do if they get there and someone is coming unglued or the whole room is sobbing loudly.  Have a plan – we’ll walk in, sign the guest book and go talk to _____________.

They’ll need to fill in that blank – do they want to tell his dad that they will really miss him on the ball team, tell his mom that hanging out in the treehouse was one of the funnest things they’ve ever done or talk to his sister and tell her that she can call anytime she wants somewhere to just hang out.

One caveat – my experience with the crowds at the funerals of young people is that they are large – lines are long and it takes a while to be there.  Talk about that – and remember it yourself.  Don’t pull up to the funeral home and let a disgruntled “we’ll be here all night” slip out.  For tonight, that’s your job.  Be that parent.

As the days pass, still allow them to time and space to grieve.  To remember.  Encourage (but don’t berate) them to talk about it  –  if not with you, put them in situations with people they can talk to.  A pastor, a family friend, a teacher or other adult who may have had a connection with that person.  Someone who your son/daughter feels comfortable talking to.

The real trick to being emotionally healthy is to process, not stew or block.  Whatever it is, get through it – and it really will be okay in the long-run.  It will never be the same – nor should it be.  If you learn anything, your perspective should change and that will change you.  So no, their friend will not be there, but they still will be.  And you want them to be the healthiest they can be.  No matter how sad or angry they feel today.

Helping a young person learn to grieve in a healthy way can change a family forever.  It really can have that kind of multi-generational, down-through-the-years kind of effect.  Take your time, take a deep breath and then take that first step forward to help your son/daughter be healthier and stronger for the generations to come.